Imet a guy at work a few years ago. We worked temporarily together for about six months. During that period, we got very close. I started having feelings for him and he had feelings for me too. It was obvious from the way we behaved toward each other. He told me how he felt but he didn’t propose. That kept me calm whenever I was with him. I was comfortable being his friend and nothing else.
He visited me often. We spent a lot of time together after work and on weekends. As time went on, my feelings for him became clearer. It wasn’t just a feeling of friendship. I was in love with him. It didn’t take too long for me to notice a shift in him. He was also in love with me and it was just a matter of time before he proposed. If I had the power, I would have switched his mind off it but I didn’t have that power so I waited helplessly for the day he would finally propose.
He did. He bore it all out to me in a way that was different. He said, “I’ve come to love you and I want you to be mine.” I told him, “I am not going to deny my feelings for you. I would be true to you. I love you too but it’s unfortunate that you came along when I’m already engaged to be married soon. There’s someone in my life. I’m sorry. I can’t do anything about it.
My answer might have got him broken but I was happy that I told him the truth. We kept things platonic. When it was time for me to get married I invited him. He agreed to come but on the day of my wedding, he didn’t show up. I was mad at him. I decided not to talk to him again so for a while, I ignored his messages. I didn’t pick up his calls as often as he wanted me to. When the anger in my heart thawed after a while, I forgave him.
We started meeting in town to catch up on each other’s life. We’ll talk about work, the future, and anything that came into our minds. At some point, he also got married. We became friends who have other people we are committed to. I thought that would make things safer and guide our feelings. Nothing changed between us. We still kept in touch and shared news about our families, careers, education, and other aspects of our lives.
About two months ago, he called to check up on me. At that time things were not going well for me but every time he or anyone asked, I replied “I’m doing great. Everything is fine. God has been good to me.” I was putting up a strong character to musk the hurt I was going through. It was a façade just to keep me going but, on the inside, I needed a hand to pull me out of whatever I was going through.
One day he called. I didn’t want to wear a mask and pretend everything was okay. He asked me, “How are things going with you?” I responded, “Everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong here. I don’t even know where to start from?”
Once I started talking, I couldn’t stop. I told him about the difficulties I was facing at work. I told him about the challenges I was facing in my marriage. I was often depressed and uninterested in life. No one knew I was hanging on by a thread because I perfected the act of “Life is good”. There were things that under normal circumstances I wouldn’t share with anyone but that day, I was like an unrestricted fountain. I shared everything with him. When I finished sharing, I felt the heaviness had been lifted off my chest. That day he also opened up to me about his own problems. Since then, he calls me frequently to encourage me and lift my spirit up. Talking to him always brings me comfort. If I am having a bad day at work and I see his text, I would relax and face the challenges head-on. If my husband is acting up and I see his call, I cheer up. I have become dependent on him for all my emotional support.
Recently we were having a conversation when he asked, “Do you know why I didn’t attend your wedding?” I answered, “No, you never told me. Why didn’t you?” He answered, “I didn’t show up because I was in love with you. I was hurt that you were going to get married to someone else. It would have killed me to witness your wedding. After your marriage, I tried to move on but it was difficult. I tried really hard. I even got married so that we would be even. In the end, my feelings for you haven’t changed. I still love you.”
His confession really got to me. It changed the texture of whatever we had going on. My interactions with him these past few months have stoked the old feelings I once had for him. I’m still in love with him too. Maybe I should have kept that to myself but no. I went ahead and confessed my feelings for him. Currently, we both know how we feel for each other.
I have been married for almost five years and I have never cheated on my husband, and it isn’t something I want to do. I told him what I told him five years ago, “Our feelings for each other don’t matter now. You came too late and there’s nothing I can do about it.” He doesn’t want to accept it. He is trying to talk me into having a relationship with him.
I know I love him but I don’t intend to sleep with him to prove it. The interesting thing is, I even know his wife. How can I betray her and my husband because of feelings? No, I can’t do that. He told me, “We can have a relationship without shuperu, how about that?”
It looks like he doesn’t want to understand that there’s nothing more I can do for him than I’m already doing. He wants more but I just want him to be my friend. A friend without any complications or strings attached. I blocked him once and tried to live my life without him but it’s like I’m addicted to him. I can’t go on without talking to him. He had become the voice that gives me sanity in the midst of trouble. The longest I have gone without talking to him is two days. Even that, I suffered to achieve it. I want to get him out of my life but I don’t know how to do it.
The love I have for him is like a magnet. It pulls me toward him even when all I want is to run away. I’ve heard myself whisper to myself, “No, I can’t stay connected to him, I have to pull away and be my own woman.” My heart doesn’t listen. At this moment, I need a special strength to do the right thing. I want to be far from him so he doesn’t lead me into temptation. Is there an easier way to do that?
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