I grew up in a family that often left their offspring to their own devices. This means the adults don’t lose a night’s sleep over how their kids live their lives. I could leave the house for days and no one would bother to find out where I went, or if I was okay. I could go out and come home with one of my limbs missing and everyone would act like it’s just a normal day. It took me a long time to come to this painful realization that, nobody cares. So I started looking out for myself the best way I could.
I tried my best but I had to drop out of school when I was in my third year of high school, because of an injury I suffered on my leg. I couldn’t walk for some time but now I’m better, although I feel pain when I walk sometimes. I told myself, “I will go back to school one day when I can afford to. But for now, I have to hustle and take care of myself.” Through my hustling, I met a guy who took a shine to me. Along the line, he expressed his feelings for me and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and we started dating happily.
At one point, I realized I wanted to start a business so I started saving toward it. When I raised half of the amount I needed, my man topped me up with the other half. And I was happy to have someone in my life who cared enough about what I wanted, to invest in it.
Shortly after I started making sales, I caught this man cheating on me. I was crushed. What even hurt me most was that he tried to explain his way out of it instead of apologizing. He acted as if I should understand why he did it and we should move forward.
I wasn’t ready to take him back just yet so I asked him to give me some space to figure things out. And he got angry, “You want to leave me because I cheated on you? Have you forgotten that I gave you half of the money you are running your business with?” And before could say, “Jack Robinson,” he started asking for his money back.
I told him, “I will pay you back as soon as I can afford to hold the business together without the money you invested in it.” He said no and I didn’t have any other option than to pay him back. The relationship ended silently there and then, and so did my business.
A short while after that incident, I met a thirty-four-year-old man who is a doctor. I was quite sceptical about getting involved with him at first, because of my terrible experience with my ex, and also because of our age difference. I am twenty, which makes him fourteen years older than me. But he managed to convince me to give him a chance, and I did. We’ve been together for over two months now. He is handsome and rich, while I am a broke girl who walks with a limp. It makes me feel like a gold digger sometimes. And I get uncomfortable whenever he takes me out to meet his friends.
I feel like I don’t belong in their world. Most of the conversations they have, go over my head. And I have tattoos so I always feel like they would have the wrong perception of me. This makes me feel so insecure that I am unable to interact with them. I stay on my phone the entire time we are out until someone asks me a question, which I always answer nervously. Because I am scared they would delve deep into my life and discover that I am not in their class.
I know Mark loves me, but I wonder if love alone will be enough to make him stay with me. He knows nothing about the financial struggles I am going through, and I am not comfortable sharing that aspect of my life with him. I let him believe I am still running my business so he keeps asking why I haven’t been to work lately. And every time I try to tell him the truth, a lie comes out. I feel he will see me differently when he realizes that I have nothing. The other day I asked him to give me a loan of GHC2000, in hopes of using it to revive my business. He promised to send the money to me when he goes to the ATM, but he has been busy with work so he hasn’t sent it. I also haven’t asked him about it, out of fear that I would seem desperate and interested in his money.
One thing I like about him is how he makes time for me even though he is a busy person. He works in a government hospital, and also a private hospital. Yet he always calls to check up on me. When he is too busy to call, he finds time to send me texts throughout the day. He shares intimate parts of his life with me. And he updates me on whatever he does. This makes me feel he really cares about me but I still feel inadequate. Sometimes I even get jealous when I see him talking to his female colleagues. And all I want to do is to go back to school and better myself so that I can feel worthy of Mark’s love.
What makes the whole thing even harder for me is when I hear people say, “Health workers usually marry fellow health workers.” That statement sets my teeth on edge. It reminds me that I don’t bring anything to the table except shuperu, while Mark brings a whole lot to the table. He generously gives me money, even though he doesn’t know how much I need it. He is so good to me that I sometimes get scared. I tell myself, “No one can be this perfect. He could be hiding a deep dark secret, or maybe there’s something fundamentally wrong with him.” I know this way of thinking is not healthy. It will only drive me to sabotage the good things we have going, but I also don’t want to trust him blindly and end up surprised.
So far, the only problem I have with him is, whenever I spend time at his place and he drops me off, he gives me a wad of cash. I know he does that as a show of care but it doesn’t sit well with me. It makes me feel like he is paying me for the good time we both had. As if to say that I am an escort or a hook-up girl. Maybe that’s how he sees me. Or maybe it’s just my insecurities talking. Either way, I don’t see any future for our relationship. Even if he is a good guy, I will sabotage things, because I always feel like I don’t deserve him. I don’t know whether to leave now and save him the trouble or if I should stay and hope I feel better soon enough. I am very confused. Please I need advice.
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